Devotion and despair: The lonely struggle of a gay Mormon

Fisher navigated to LDS.org, the official website for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and clicked on a page he knew well: the church-issued “Gospel Doctrine Teacher’s Manual.”

From there, Fisher visited the webpage of the assigned lesson plan for the upcoming Sunday; it was titled “I Know in Whom I Have Trusted.” The last section of the lesson suggested asking class members to analyze a chapter from the Book of Mormon and report on how the scriptural characters responded to discouragement.

Perhaps Fisher was looking for answers himself.

The 28-year-old Brigham Young University student was under stress in his final semester at school. He had fallen behind in his classes and failed a job screening that his mother said he had placed high hopes in. And in his last month of life, he publicly outed himself as gay on Facebook.

Paul believes his son returned home from his mission with some questions about the church. Harry disliked the church’s emphasis on attending “young single adult wards” — groups designed for unmarried adults ages 18-29. He believed the prioritization of marriage in these wards (the LDS term for congregation) detracted from the focus on worshiping Christ.

Soon after his mission, Fisher began attending a “family ward” — Mormon congregations open to all. Upon realizing he was not married, the bishop overseeing the ward asked him to leave.

“A bishop ordered him out of the family ward and told him to join a singles ward,” Claire Fisher said. “He moved every year for the last five years, not laying down any roots.”

A lack of resources

Paul Fisher wishes he had encouraged his son to utilize more LGBT resources and communities that exist in Utah. “I wish I had walked him into an organization like the Utah Pride Center. I wish I had shown him that this community existed. It doesn’t mean he would have responded positively, but I wish I had.”

Claire Fisher says she spoke with her son about existing resources, but he rejected them.

“He had considered all the options that were open to him as someone who identified with same gender affinity. We had discussed the resources, namely North Star, but he rejected the idea and felt he would do it on his own.”

North Star is a “faith affirming” organization which seeks to provide resources for “Latter-day Saint individuals and families concerned with sexual orientation or gender identity.”

While the Mormon church has advocated publicly for equal rights for the LGBT community, it has left the provision of resources to the LGBT community to secular entities. To date, the church has not adopted any of the resources developed by Mormon LGBT advocates, including the Family Acceptance Project, a training program for families and religious leaders aimed at increasing acceptance of LGBT youth and addressing mental illness.

The Family Acceptance Project is the only faith-based training program listed as best practice by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. The materials were adopted by the Utah State Health Department as a resource for families last September in light of a threefold increase in youth suicides in Utah since 2007.

Andrea Hood, suicide prevention coordinator with the department, said there is no statistical evidence that the increase in suicide is connected to the LDS church policy change, or to religion in general, but it is difficult to say for certain as data on sexuality and religion are not always included in police reports. Hood also noted that religiously motivated discrimination is a risk factor — along with mental illness, prior trauma and depression — in teen suicides.

“We want to show them examples of adults who are LGBT who, if they have faced faith discrimination in their life, they have been resilient and that they are happy, successful adults who are thriving members of our community.”

Mormon leaders have been pitched the Family Acceptance Project in meetings with advocacy groups since 2008, but the materials have not been implemented. The church rarely adopts outside material for use in leadership training or member instruction, preferring to produce teaching manuals internally.

In the eight years since the church was introduced to the concept of the Family Acceptance Project, no materials have been produced internally with the aim of helping church leadership respond to at-risk LGBT youth. The church declined to comment on the adoption of the materials.

Mayne, the openly gay Mormon leader, said the church has “completely missed the boat” in terms of providing resources for LGBT members. “It is a dangerous time to be an LGBT Mormon right now.”

Other members of the advocacy community agree, pinpointing the problem on an empathy gap.

Kendall Wilcox, an openly gay LDS member, filmmaker, and former BYU professor, said, “To overcome that empathy gap, leaders need to do the work of stepping out of their homes and their offices, to have many, many long conversations with LGBT members about their lived experiences.”

Erika Munson, co-founder of the LGBT advocacy group Mormons Building Bridges, said, “I would like to hear a little more compassion. I want to hear an acknowledgment of that pain — that it is a pain that hits an identity. I want leaders to say, ‘This is difficult, you are not alone, I am here for you.'”

Claire says her son preferred to chart his course of reconciliation alone.

Claire also is wary of how helpful the gay communities could have been for Harry. “In the support groups … being in proximity to another gay man would exacerbate the issue if you’re trying to get a hold on it.”

Claire laments the loneliness her son felt but underscores that his death is about more than just his sexual identity — it was about the isolation he experienced in forming relationships.

“Though his dad and his older sister are adamant that the Mormon church killed my son, it didn’t. Loneliness did.”

‘My work is finished’

On the last night of his life, Fisher called his mother one final time. In the conversation, she asked him what “he had come up with in terms of his future plans.”

Fisher often sought his mother’s opinion when making life decisions. Yet that night, he grew quiet. With a sigh, Fisher said, “Mom, Mom you know, I know you mean well.”

Later that night, Harry Fisher left a typed note in his apartment. It read, “I know God loves me and that my work is finished.”